you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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