Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
