The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You ruined the universe
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
