Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
