I just saw a hot homeless man
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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