I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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