Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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