Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My vagina is very pro this idea
You ruined the universe
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
