Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
