Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
