I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
