I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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