Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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