I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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