Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
