i can't believe i had my finger in that
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Sorry my hands just texted you
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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