I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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