I cut my penus on the lid.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
