My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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