Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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