Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
