There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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