My room smells like vodka and shame
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
if only i could text you this smell
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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