Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
my being single is dangerous.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
