Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
