should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
