I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wish I only lived at night.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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