dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
