There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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