he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
