I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
