i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Randomize
