worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
