it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
