Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
