The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
