I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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