everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He did a backflip because drugs
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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