i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
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