just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
