I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
