margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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