I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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