How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
