i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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