there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I think i got beer on your cat.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
