I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
