There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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