Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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