oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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