if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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