Who did Billy Mays play for?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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