So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
